Who is JG?

I often find myself stopped, in pop-up restaurants, at flash mobs, while swimming across the sea or lifting six times my weight in the gym - - almost anywhere you might imagine, really - - and, after a deep bow and lengthy pause, asked, “why am I so drawn to you, JG? What is it that makes you so . . . so special?” I rarely answer, of course, humility being my calling card. But I do recognize that my millions of admirers crave a deeper understanding of me. And, so, I offer the following: 

JG is a SOPHISTICATE.  He has traveled to every continent, taken in every spectacle, learned every language, studied every painting, and sung every opera. 

JG is a THINKER.  While drinking his morning coffee, JG performs mathematical computations of staggering complexity for no reason other than to predict the performance of every stock and every commodity. As JG tells his closest admirers, “it’s only gambling if you don’t have the answers.” 

JG is POWERFULLY PERSUASIVE.  When JG speaks, people agree. He is the poise in every pen, the whisper behind every curtain, the blessing of “yes” in every “no.”  


JG IS BRAVE.  He negotiated the Blessed Peace between and Jimmy Seven Scabbards and Roger Dore-Mifaso-Lati in Aught-Six that would otherwise plunged the entire playhouse and every nation into darkest war. 


JG is RESOLUTE.  Once he has found the answer, JG does not waver. He is never wrong and always right. When JG speaks, people know. 

JG UNDERSTANDS.  He knows he owes an affirmative obligation to live a long, splendid, and perpetually handsome life. 


JG is CHARITABLE.  He donates all proceeds earned from his many deeds to those dermatological and extra-social procedures that ensure his health prosperity.